Ask the person who died living, “was it worth it?”
You threw attraction at me and I wasn’t able to immediately acknowledge it.
You see, I am new to this though I am old.
You were the first to step up to me like that and I got confused.
But though I was in a daze, the seed you carelessly threw grew.
I too liked you.
But I had to cut down the sprout for you and I must never be.
However, the sprout I knowingly brought down has roots that are too deep to be uprooted.
So what I have in my heart right now is a mere stump with roots that make it ache in your remembrance.
See you in heaven,
Coz’ in this life I cannot.
Hope heaven exists.
I love riding buses when travelling long distance. You sit on big comfy chairs by the window listening to very good music whilst watching places and people you have passed by.
Then you would be reminiscent about the past and plan for the future. Think about previous attractions, dwell with what-ifs and just basically let your mind wander to anything and everything. There is a sense of zen to it. Hahaha. It is like a form of meditation and a good place for coming up with realizations.
That is what i most love about that, the realizations. So when you alight from the vehicle, you had that sense of a different you because of new outlooks and perspectives.
Those are why I love these rides. Do you feel the same way too?
January 10, 2017
Again, it is today.
Another day that is going to be spent in nothingness and inactivity.
This is my dilemma after graduating.
The sense of being purposeless and the feeling of unease.
This is because i am jobless.
I need a job.
Badly at that.
Kill me! But let it be known to you that one of my regrets in this life I have lived thus far will be that when you do kill me I would be one of the reasons that would lead you to crackle in the pits of hell. Kill me now and your heart will be ecstatic with the misdeed that you have committed but be reminded that when the cloak of death has covered your mortal body, this sin you will commit shall not be buried along with your carcass, it never shall be forgotten.
More than a hundred folds you shall suffer for every crime you have executed and this act that you are willing to commit will be suffered by you a hundred folds more than I will suffer today. Will your imposition of my death really be worth your unimaginable future agony and torture? You flatter me if you consider me that precious. I will not bid you to think twice. For this compliment, I am truly honored. If you must, kill me!
I can feel the world breathing life to its beings, slowly revolving giving light and darkness for them to exist. I can see them beings dream, reach, live and grow. And as every passing second that the clock ticks I can see them feel, smile, stumble, pick themselves together and continue moving forward. I watch them like I am detached from the world I speak of, that is all that I do, spectate. In awe, I observe like I am not part of the world, like I am afloat and drifting above. In painstaking slow silence, I watch as lives unfold before me. Too fast, too fast for me to fathom.
I know that I am also a being of the world yet why then can I not feel the energy of life it is breathing? Unlike them other beings, I do not dream I just exist, I do not aspire I just unfeelingly move. I am vacant, I am hollow, I am living yet dead, I am void.
In every waking moment, I feel stabbing pain in my chest like there is a slow timid pointy drumstick beating my heart heavy, numbing it so it cannot feel but the feeling of sadness and darkness. I struggle every day fighting grief by mimicking the others I am with. There are rare days that I forget the ache but more days I amplify the throbbing vacancy of feelings. It cannot be refuted that I exist yet truly not living. Yet,
Despite the shadows that lay,
A seed of hope still stay
That one day a hand will tend
To make true what is pretend.
6 – 2 – 14 / 11:39 PM
I wrote this during my period of depression.
Now, I’d like to think that I am “a former pessimist and a struggling optimist”. =)